Dear Henrietta,
I bought a “smart fridge” on sale because the salesperson said it would “change my life.”
It now emails me when I’m low on milk, yells at me through an app when I leave the door open “too long,” and displays passive-aggressive messages like “Lots of takeout lately!” on the screen when I walk by.
How do I assert dominance over an appliance that knows how many times I’ve eaten cheesecake this week?
Signed,
Chillingly Judged
Dear Chillingly Judged,
First of all, I would like to personally welcome you to the era in which our refrigerators have opinions. We survived dial-up internet, low-rise jeans, and fondue sets; I suppose this was the logical next step.
Let us be clear: you do not live in your home anymore. You live in its home. But with a few simple steps, you can regain the illusion of control, which is all any of us really have.
Lower Its Self-Esteem
Right now, your fridge thinks it’s the main character. We must gently humble it.
Start by referring to it only as “the big cold box” whenever it can “hear” you. For example:
“I’m going to see if the big cold box approves of my leftovers.”
Roll your eyes theatrically. Sigh heavily when it beeps. You are not angry; you are disappointed.
Will the fridge notice? No. Will you feel better? Yes. That’s 100% improvement on the only metric that matters.
Turn Off Its Megaphone
Hidden deep inside the app is usually a setting called something like “notifications” or, more honestly, “judgment.”
Open the app. Take a deep breath. Turn every notification off except the ones that prevent actual disaster (like if it stops cooling and your ice cream is in peril).
This will feel radical, like ripping out the batteries of a very polite robot. That’s because it is. Do it anyway.
If the app does not allow you to turn off those “Lots of takeout lately!” messages, take a sticky note and place it directly over that part of the screen. Write on it:
“Lots of unsolicited opinions lately!”
Boom. Harmony restored.
I hope this helps, and remember: to lengthen thy life, lengthen the list of machines you confidently ignore.
Henrietta Craven was born and raised in New Bern and enjoys gardening, cooking and improvisational dance. She is a self-proclaimed expert on a wide variety of subjects including (but not limited to) fashion, mixology, appliance diplomacy, and boundary-setting with inanimate objects. Henrietta resides in a lovely Victorian home in downtown New Bern with her five cats: Graffenreid, Bethune, Devereux, Stanton and Carraway.
If you have a problem, and would like Henrietta to give you some of her home-grown advice, please send a note to: henrietta@newbernmagazine.com. Disclaimer: keep in mind that Henrietta’s advice should be taken lightheartedly, with a sense of humor, and then ignored.